Heart on my Sleeve

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I always considered it one of my worst qualities, because everything I feel and think is plastered and apparent right on my face. I just can’t help it. My resting face? It’s probably the worst you’ve ever seen. Most people think I hate them when they first meet me. Oops.

I really don’t. Promise.

So it’s no surprise that the “What’s wrong?” and “You look tired.” and “Did something happen!” that’s thrown my way is never-ending.

I see the kind intentions behind these words. I really do. But in reality, they are far from kind.

Because if I really tell you how I’m doing, will you truly care? Or were you just observing or asking to be polite? Because it’s “the courteous thing to do”?

If one isn’t asking out of true care and concern, it’s far more harmful than beneficial – believe me. Because then I feel the need to lie. Plaster a smile on my face. Fake it. Even though every other person can see through the facade because I have no face filter.

So now I’m uncomfortable. They’re uncomfortable. I’m wondering what they’re thinking about me (probably that I’m psycho). And they’re wondering what to say to me. In the end, we’re both left uneasy. I have all these feelings and emotions swirling around in my stomach, making me nauseous. But I keep it all in. It’s like constantly feeling like you need to vomit, but can’t.

There’s honestly just a better way to word things. “How are you?” is such a loaded question that spurs a million thoughts at once:

‘Should I answer honestly? Should I tell them the truth?’

‘That I really am tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of the fear. Tired of everything.’

‘Or is that being too honest? Maybe they’re not actually asking to know. Maybe they’re just being polite. But maybe they actually care to know.’

‘I’ll just say I’m fine.’

—–

I wish we would be more honest with each other. When we ask someone how they’re doing, I wish they would honestly speak the truth of their heart because they feel safe enough to be vulnerable and open. Rather than shrug it off with a smile and and Alhamdulillah and change the subject.

I wish people would ask me “And how is your heart?”

That shows that they actually care. They see the emotional nausea and uneasiness on my face, so that concerns them in regards to the state of my heart. They don’t just want to bug me, or find out some juicy info to go gossip with someone else, or ask out of malicious intent. I’ve been hurt by far too many people to deal with any of that anymore. I don’t have the time or energy.

If someone cares about the state of my heart, it means they really and truly care about my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. That’s true love right there.

We as human beings need to be here for each other. Be empathetic. Be open. Be safe spaces. Be trusting. Be vulnerable. Do everything with the utmost amount of love. Treat everyone you meet kindly.

Maybe then we could be more honest with each other. Maybe then we would let each other in. Maybe.

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