I used to be dead. Sometimes I still think I am.
Why? Because I lost hope in my Rabb. I gave up. I fell prey to despair.
I would wake up and go throughout my day like any other seemingly normal human being. But in reality, I was a dead corpse walking around. No life, no soul, no heart.
No purpose. Barely breathing. Merely existing.
And yet nobody could see through that facade. Not even me. Or perhaps I chose to not see through the facade, pretending everything was okay.
But reality would hit me when I would lie awake at night and cry because of the heartache that was in the spot where my heart was supposed to be. My seemingly dead heart would throb with pain, becoming more and more intense – until I screamed silently and beat my heart senseless.
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
And even though I knew His merciful love encompasses everything, the doubt crept in.
Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is He punishing me? The whys and the shouldves and the ifs and the couldves slowly but surely, step by step, drove me insane.
Shaytan, Al-Waswaas, Al-Khannaas – wretched being that he is – grabbed that doubt and ran with it. I allowed him in by not being in dhikr of Allah ﷻ. I turned my attention towards someone other than Allah ﷻ. And while I was distracted, confused, doubtful – Shaytan took my own negative energy and used it against me.
I was falling, falling, falling. Floating in space, untethered. The rope of security gone. Like a balloon that escapes the grip of a small child and floats throughout the atmosphere until the pressure makes it pop.
I lost my yaqeen and tawakkul in Allah ﷻ .
So I would wake up, drowning. I would breathe, drowning. I would go to sleep, drowning. It was never-ending.
My eyes open. I breathe in, then out. I look up.
And Shaykhunaa asks, “كيف أصبحتمً؟”
“.أصبحنا و أصبح الملك لله والحمد لله”
This morning, like every morning, all sovereignty and control, is to You. Ya Allah. Ya Lateef. Ya Rahman. I forgot You, and yet You are still speaking to me now. Gently pushing me forward. Telling me to keep going. How could I have forgotten You?
My purpose in life is the pursuit of Allah ﷻ , and I forgot that in the midst of difficulty. I forgot Him while He tested me. And by consequence, I died spiritually.
In this pursuit of Allah ﷻ, I will be challenged at times. By obstacles, trials, tribulations, the utmost difficulty. I may wake up sad, anxious, hurting, I may wake up happy, calm, at peace. Whatever my state, I must constantly remind myself that I am not in control – Allah ﷻ is.
This feeling that I’m feeling right now at this moment, is fleeting. Temporary. And ultimately, this hurt will not hurt me, because my Rabb willed it for me. Alhamdulillah. I realize and internalize and give myself fully to Him.
I am not in control, Ya Allah ﷻ. You are.
And what You give me is going to be with me as long as it is good for me. If it disappears, then that is by Your wisdom alone. Not mine.
And so I will wake up. I will invoke Your name again and again and again so I don’t forget You. So I never forget You. So my heart starts beating again with Your dhikr. To the point where when my eyes go to sleep, my heart never will.
As I continue, I will remember You. I will always remember You. And I will finally be able to reach You.
I refuse to allow myself to be a hypocrite. If I had even the slightest honor of being considered a mu’min in the eyes of Allah ﷻ, I would be the weakest mu’min. But dhikr is integral to the life of the mu’min, so I will make myself remember to be in dhikr.
The drive and motivation of a mu’min is closeness to Allah ﷻ. When I know something He wills for me is beneficial for me, I insist in my desire for that thing. I want to advance in nearness to Allah ﷻ and do whatever it takes to help me get to that point.
So even though I’m still falling, falling, falling, even though the trials and tribulations I go through are difficult – I turn my attention to my Creator and enter into His dhikr. I continue. I repeat, and repeat, and repeat. I forget my pain.
I am relaxed. I am released. I am liberated.