Here’s to the Journey

Bismillah.

Ya Allah ﷻ, open the hearing channels of our hearts with your remembrance.

—–

“What am I searching for? Why does my heart hurt so much? What does it want?”

Time and time again I asked myself these questions – searching, seeking, drawing close, pulling back, moving forward, falling backwards.

People have always been the source of my demise. Yes, people.

Human beings destroy me. And the fact of the matter isn’t about who they are, but rather who I am – a love leech. I seek out and find human beings with the capability to love and be loved –

I grab hold –

And I never let go.

I fill up every crevice of my beating heart with their presence. Their love. Their respect. Their admiration. Their wants, their needs, their likes, their dislikes. Putting them above my own self and my own needs – until it destroys me.

Until my heart breaks into a million little fragmented pieces scattered all over the earth, and I along with it.

And so I scour the earth.

I find the pieces, one by one.

I put my heart back together.

I find someone else.

And so the cycle begins again.

Until I am broken and bruised and hurting all over. By my own hands.

—–

No attachment, even a legitimate or positive attachment, should be at the expense of our attachment to the Divine. We were created to be free, but the ultimate freedom occurs once we empty our hearts for Allah ﷻ, and therefore for His worship.

So I ask myself this question – where is the root of my problem? What do I need to change?

How can I take steps forward internally, in my heart?

By being truthful in my claim of seeking Him and being sincere in that relationship.

The more attached we get to the creation, the most distant we become from the Divine – and the natural consequence of that is suffering psychologically, through depression and anxiety.

I chose to be distant from the source of safety and tranquility. The only infinite source of peace is Allah, so if I seek peace independently from the source of peace, I will never have peace.

Ya Rabb, grant me peace in my heart. I’ve been searching for it for so long. I’ve been searching for You for so long while not realizing You were right here by my side every single step of the way.

Ya Rabb, allow us the ability to grow closer to You and forgive us for any and all of our shortcomings.

Ya Rabb, give us the strength to remove any sort of attachments from our hearts to liberate ourselves by giving our hearts back to You.

Ameen.

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